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Clearing a Few Things Up.
"...The U.S. boasts more than 10 million herbivores today, yet most Americans assume that every last one is a loopy, self-satisfied health fanatic, hellbent on draining all the joy out of life. Those of us who want to avoid the social nightmare have to hide our vegetarianism like an Oxycontin addiction, because admit it, omnivores: You know nothing about us. Do we eat fish? Will we panic if confronted with a hamburger? Are we dying of malnutrition? You have no clue. So read on, my flesh-eating friends—I believe it's high time we cleared a few things up."
The Moosewood cookbooks don't cover this part of American vegetarianism. All of us have to endure the odd looks, lectures, and some seriously bizarre questions. To promote understanding between the races (herbivores and onmivores), I offer a list of things I think about when someone asks, "Why?"
I am a vegetarian.
I don't eat meat or fish.
Your college roommate who was a vegetarian-but-also-ate-fish was not a vegetarian.
We have a word for those people.
Not vegetarians.
That being said, I don't care.
Seriously, I don't.
I eat whatever I like.
You should too.
And your roommate.
The Moosewood cookbooks don't cover this part of American vegetarianism. All of us have to endure the odd looks, lectures, and some seriously bizarre questions. To promote understanding between the races (herbivores and onmivores), I offer a list of things I think about when someone asks, "Why?"
I am a vegetarian.
I don't eat meat or fish.
Your college roommate who was a vegetarian-but-also-ate-fish was not a vegetarian.
We have a word for those people.
Not vegetarians.
That being said, I don't care.
Seriously, I don't.
I eat whatever I like.
You should too.
And your roommate.
I'm not vegan.
Because I like food.
I'm not macrobiotic.
Because I like food.
I'd consider lecturing you about your eating habits rude.
Unconscionably so at the dinner table.
So I don't.
Just saying.
I know what the vegetarian options on the menu are.
Because I can read.
Reading the menu to me is unnecessary at best.
Because I can read.
And someone else already read the same damn menu to me.
I do like sushi.
The vegetarian kind.
I don't like Tofurkey.
Because it tastes like shit.
I do like veggie burgers.
On occasion.
But not too often.
Because some of them aren't good for you.
I also like pizza.
I get vegetables on my pizza.
They have a whole list of vegetables that go on pizza.
It's called a menu.
I'll read it to you.
If you want.
I am 6' 1", 230 lbs.
When I'm in shape.
So I get enough protein.
More than enough protein.
From the same places cows, bulls, horses, sheep, deer, pigs, and other herbivores get protein.
Chicken broth is not vegetarian.
Because it's made from chickens.
I don't feel guilty about being a herbivore.
You shouldn't feel guilty about being an omnivore.
But if you do, eat something else.
That's my advice.
By the way, you're not a carnivore.
Yes, if I was stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but an animal, I would kill it and eat it.
I've never heard of an island like that.
But ok.
If I was going to a desert island and I could only bring one thing, it would be a boat.
See?
Vegetarian = clear thinking.
P.S. Better hope you're not that animal.
Cause you're looking mighty fine in that steak sauce.
I don't support the ALF or PETA, although I think the PETA folks have some good ideas.
Except growing meat in a vat.
That's nasty.
I chuckle and say, "Thank God I'm not eating that crap" when food gets recalled.
Except when spinach gets recalled.
That whole protein thing.
No, I don't want any BBQ.
Shoving it under my nose will annoy me.
But wouldn't you freak the fuck out if I ate it?
All your lovely brisket?
And the sausage?
And the chicken?
Don't forget that steak you've been working on all day.
Because I can.
I still have the ability to eat meat.
I just don't.
It's not even tempting.
Your BBQ is safe.
Unless I fuck with you.
No, I won't pick meat out of my meal.
It's undignified.
And gross.
I paid for a whole meal.
Which I expect to eat.
Asking why is sorta odd.
Like asking why two people got married.
Or asking why someone believes a certain way.
Or how they lost that leg.
It's invasive.
Unless I spontaneously start talking about it.
Which I don't.
Usually.
But if I do, fire away.
And I'll tell you.
EDIT: I've had a few requests for re-posts since I wrote this. Feel free, but please do the linky and send them here.
Because I like food.
I'm not macrobiotic.
Because I like food.
I'd consider lecturing you about your eating habits rude.
Unconscionably so at the dinner table.
So I don't.
Just saying.
I know what the vegetarian options on the menu are.
Because I can read.
Reading the menu to me is unnecessary at best.
Because I can read.
And someone else already read the same damn menu to me.
I do like sushi.
The vegetarian kind.
I don't like Tofurkey.
Because it tastes like shit.
I do like veggie burgers.
On occasion.
But not too often.
Because some of them aren't good for you.
I also like pizza.
I get vegetables on my pizza.
They have a whole list of vegetables that go on pizza.
It's called a menu.
I'll read it to you.
If you want.
I am 6' 1", 230 lbs.
When I'm in shape.
So I get enough protein.
More than enough protein.
From the same places cows, bulls, horses, sheep, deer, pigs, and other herbivores get protein.
Chicken broth is not vegetarian.
Because it's made from chickens.
I don't feel guilty about being a herbivore.
You shouldn't feel guilty about being an omnivore.
But if you do, eat something else.
That's my advice.
By the way, you're not a carnivore.
Yes, if I was stranded on a desert island with nothing to eat but an animal, I would kill it and eat it.
I've never heard of an island like that.
But ok.
If I was going to a desert island and I could only bring one thing, it would be a boat.
See?
Vegetarian = clear thinking.
P.S. Better hope you're not that animal.
Cause you're looking mighty fine in that steak sauce.
I don't support the ALF or PETA, although I think the PETA folks have some good ideas.
Except growing meat in a vat.
That's nasty.
I chuckle and say, "Thank God I'm not eating that crap" when food gets recalled.
Except when spinach gets recalled.
That whole protein thing.
No, I don't want any BBQ.
Shoving it under my nose will annoy me.
But wouldn't you freak the fuck out if I ate it?
All your lovely brisket?
And the sausage?
And the chicken?
Don't forget that steak you've been working on all day.
Because I can.
I still have the ability to eat meat.
I just don't.
It's not even tempting.
Your BBQ is safe.
Unless I fuck with you.
No, I won't pick meat out of my meal.
It's undignified.
And gross.
I paid for a whole meal.
Which I expect to eat.
Asking why is sorta odd.
Like asking why two people got married.
Or asking why someone believes a certain way.
Or how they lost that leg.
It's invasive.
Unless I spontaneously start talking about it.
Which I don't.
Usually.
But if I do, fire away.
And I'll tell you.
EDIT: I've had a few requests for re-posts since I wrote this. Feel free, but please do the linky and send them here.
As a former veggie who was married to a current/ongoing veggie:
*Tofurkey TOTALLY tastes like shit.
*I'm also not a macrobiotic because I like food. I've been to Casa de Luz. I was hungry, and therefore was very, very annoyed with what was offered to me and called "food". It was all room temperature and tasted like nothing.
*People who eat fish and seafood and call themselves vegetarian...well...let's not talk about all the conversations where I got chewed out for calling myself lesbian instead of bi or queer.
*I don't have the ability to eat pork, Never have. It attacks my innards.
*Growing meat in a vat is FUNNY.
*I have no omnivore guilt. And I am the only omnivore I know who has killed and prepared from that killing every animal type that I currently eat. Omnivores who don't want to touch raw meat or look at meat that looks too much like the animal it came off piss me off.
:-)
And for the record: I actually eat tofu right out of the carton, as long as it's extra-firm.
See?
Vegetarian = clear thinking.
Ok, so that one made me laugh loud enough for my coworkers to hear me.
This made me think. I have a friend who recently went veggie, and I realized I've acted like a totally clueless omnivore.
I want to share with my vegetarian friends.
I may be an omnivore, but I like to think I'm one of the cool kids. :)
I've been told that I recently "converted" to flexitarianism. For lots of reasons I've cut out most meats, trying to stick to veggies. I like meat though, so I have some sometimes.
I'm not defending, just..chatting. I get chatty sometimes.
This was a fantastic piece, and I laughed out loud at "I'll read it to you."
This is amazing!
(referred here by
There's this woman at work who apologizes just about every time she talks about or eats meat in front of me. I've given up telling her that I really do not care.
Absolutely brilliant. :D
Read around a bit, may I add you?
I tried eating my roommate once. It didn't work out.
Here via <lj user="popfiend">
I'm an unashamed omnivore, my daughter is a self-proclaimed 'starch-a-tarian-with-a-side-of-chicken'
That is all. :D
Re: Here via <lj user="popfiend">
so ppppfffft!
On the serious side - nicely done.
I definitely agree with who-all-ever said that you should hunt, kill, and clean what you eat at least once. Or go work in a slaughterhouse. Or all of the above. I don't imagine I'd feel any more guilty over being a vegetarian than I do over being poly. It'd just be how I am... if I didn't like meat so damn much. :)
Hi, There
I grew up on a farm; with chickens, sheep and pigs.
(Have butchered pigs with my father.)
You are a very interesting person, utilave
Re: Hi, There
Always fun: when Laura or I say we're vegetarians and someone replies "But you eat fish, right?" or "But you eat chicken, right?" No, we're vegetarians. "But vegetarians eat that stuff." No, we don't. And don't look at us like we're the ones who don't know what the word means.
One time, an omnivorous friend was going on about us not cutting out egg and dairy products. I said something like, we don't eat animals, but that doesn't mean we can't exploit them. (Maybe you had to be there. My delivery was probably better.)
But I wont ask a vegetarian if they eat fish, etc... unless I'm cooking for them and think they might have exceptions to their mostly vegetarian preferences.
Really interesting read!
I'm an omnivore, I just don't eat a lot of meat unless I'm out and out craving it. But I understand completely how you feel on that.
But, I have a small confession- I actually do like tofurkey.
A lot. It's gross but it's so tasty with the gravy they offer.
(Anonymous)
Hatton
Years ago I decied that I was not going to date people with food "issues" I dont think choosing to not eat meat is one of them. Unless someone makes it so, but hell if you make eating meat a prob I wont date you. (ok not you but anyone who wanted to date me) Some people use food as a way of controling people you dont.
I would be glad to have dinner with you if you ever make it to the Bronx.
ash
can i send this to my vegetarian brother?
P.S. Better hope you're not that animal.
Cause you're looking mighty fine in that steak sauce.
This, of course, made me very glad I didn't have liquid in my mouth while I read.
"fish and chipocrite"
;)